I have been married for 34 years, and I found out my wife lied, and cheated a lot back before we got married. Does she not change, or is it possible she is still a cheater?

Your wife didn’t cheat on you. But she clearly thought that you’d find this difficult to accept & scared that you would judge her.

I can answer this from the other view point. My friend had many sexual relationships in her 20’s. Some of the men were married or engaged. Some of these relationships were intermittent but on going over many years. She did therapy and learnt that she was looking for love through sex. Not unusual.

SO, good luck😊 But don’t ruin a good marriage with doubts & fear. If she’s cheated on you - it’s highly unlikely she would confess to her past life. Why would she? It would only make you suspicious …

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Yes I understand that you’re shocked and scared that she may betray you. And it’s reasonable for you to wonder - who this woman is I’ve married? Is she trustworthy? But also have a think (& discussion) about her childhood. Did she have a very difficult, rejecting relationship with her father? It’s not unusual for women who have had that to have many sexual & overlapping relationships. This doesn’t mean every woman who has multiple partners or is unfaithful has had such a relationship. It’s perfectly normal for women, like men, to explore & enjoy their sexuality before they settle down.😀 So it could easily have been sexual exploration.

Do you judge her or are you strong enough to handle the truth? Secure enough in yourself to know that no one is perfect including yourself? Mature enough to know that people evolve and grow? Kind enough to thank her for her honesty. Man enough to say:’I wish I’d made this easier for you?’

Early 30’s she met her husband. Married but after one year the sex was routine/boring. 30% of women lose interest in sex with their partner after a year: for many reasons. But she loves her husband more than anything in the world. In her 50’s she considered having an affair but decided against it. Now in her 70’s she still loves her partner very much. She had sex about 3 times a week. She loved touching him & being with him.

I’m wondering about attachment and transference with the therapist and the idea of escape and fantasy? How much do you think your strong feelings, constant thoughts, desires to be with your therapist are a way to escape from your present life? I wonder if the transference serves another purpose than to show us our wounds and/or past experiences, but is a present coping strategy for managing what we don’t want to face (even if unconsciously) in the present—-current relationships, life circumstances, etc. Can anyone relate to this concept of escape in relation to their therapy relationship? How does this play out for you?

You’ll be ok & the two of you will get through this👍

SO, she has never told him about her earlier experiences. Personally, I think this is wrong. Not because he would have rejected her: he wouldn’t. But because I think the deeper intimacy comes from knowing who your partner is. And then accepting them for who they are.